I am tired, so tired of fighting. Tired of fighting Bean to get her to eat. Tired of fighting the system to try to get Bean the help that she needs to improve her eating. I’m just tired.
And today I am giving up. We went to see the psychologist again today. I went armed with notes and details of all the work I had been doing with Bean since our last appointment and her recommendations.
None of it mattered. I could tell from the moment I went in that the psychologist’s attitude had changed. She was still lovely but she just wasn’t there any more and my hope died. She had come to the conclusion that Bean is not autistic. Great, yes, but also not so great – because this has led her to believe that there is nothing else we can do to help Bean eat.
I had it levelled at me that I was anxious and making a big deal out of her eating problems. Maybe I am giving her all the control? Maybe the stress she is causing me is deliberate? It was suggested that we just ignore her food dramas. I explained that she will go hungry. I got the same response – “no child has ever starved themselves”. If someone says that to me again I may hit them.
It was also suggested that if Bean does have a food phobia type problem then de-sensitising her would be the only thing to do. I should
encourage force her to eat a small amount of everything. Little do they know that this tactic turns our dining experience into a preview performance of hell.
So I am faced with a dilemma. I can choose to ignore her poor eating and lead a calm and more relaxed life. (But I imagine that Bean will hardly eat). Or I can encourage / force her to eat small amounts of food she dislikes to desensitise her. This is my decision. There is no other help coming. They have washed their hands of us. I was told to adjust my expectations. It may be too much to ever expect Bean to sit at the table with the family and eat a meal. It may never happen that she eats properly when we go out to restaurants. Is this seriously ok?
So, I am tired, tired of everything and in this tired state I have to make a choice, knowing that it may be the wrong one, not knowing whether it is the right thing to do for Bean, for her future and for her health.
Today I have cried, got angry, sulked and moaned. But today I have not made a decision. I feel like I have been told that my child has an illness that they will not be able to cure, that she has a life sentence and that I have to cope with that being ok.
I will make a plan, we will move forward, but for now I am grieving. I am grieving for that loss of hope.