Saying Goodbye is a non-profit organisation that is planning a series of services of remembrance all around the UK for those who have lost a baby, during pregnancy, birth or infancy. These services recognise that the loss of a life through a miscarriage or still birth is very much still a loss of life, it is traumatic, and that loss must be grieved.
The loss of a baby is strangely a taboo subject. This only makes it harder to deal with the pain of the loss. The death of any other family member is recognised, they are mourned, they are talked about, they are remembered. Somehow this is not acceptable where a miscarriage or stillbirth is concerned.
Yesterday a ‘friend’ of mine on Facebook mentioned that she thought that Kym Marsh was ‘cashing in’ by publishing pictures of the container of her son’s ashes at her wedding. Other comments agreed with her – people said it was a private issue and she should not have let these pictures be made public.
When I read this I cried. I cried for the loss of Kym Marsh’s little boy Archie and I cried for my own loss, a miscarriage nearly three years ago. I cried for all the babies whose memories are suppressed by the taboo that surrounds discussing the death of a baby.
And that is exactly what it is. The death of a baby. A miscarriage is not ok because you never met the baby, because they didn’t LOOK like a baby, because you didn’t hold them. That baby, OUR baby should have been part of our family. They were going to be our loved second child. They were with us on our wedding day but had sadly died sometime after the honeymoon.
Was it ok because I already had a daughter? No. This baby was loved and wanted and missed. On my daughter’s third birthday I cried non-stop because I should have been heavily pregnant, we should have been awaiting her baby brother or sister. We had our beautiful three year old but we wanted both. I saw a documentary once with a couple who had conceived Quads but only 3 were born alive. The dad said through tears that they were thrilled with their new babies, but they were still sad, they wanted “their whole crew”. I know exactly what he meant.
I have been blessed with another child, but she is not my second child, despite many people believing she is. My second child is the one we lost, and we remember them every day.
So do I think Kym Marsh was cashing in by publishing the pictures of her with her son’s ashes? Definitely not. Her baby, Archie, should have been there. But for being born too early he should have been there on her wedding day. He should have been in the pictures as her other children were. He was taken from them, taken from the family but that does not mean that he should be forgotten. Just as Kym has the right to stand up with her other children in photos, why should she not allow the memory of her son into her wedding day?
I am proud to write this post in support of Saying Goodbye. I am proud to remember my lost baby. I hope it encourages others to be proud to remember too.