What if my baby had lived?
What if I had not miscarried?
What if I had a little boy this time 5 years ago?
Or a little girl?
They would be 5 today.
Would I be having a party?
What presents would I have bought?
Would we have gone out for dinner?
Would I have written a little note in their lunchbox?
What would be their name?
When you get pregnant you have so many plans, so many hopes, so many dreams.
They are all destroyed the day that you miscarry. The day you find out your baby has no heartbeat. The day you find out that there will be no name, no baby girl or boy.
But you don’t think about what life will be like in 5 years time.
That you are missing a little piece of you, forever.
A little piece of your heart, a little piece of your soul.
5 years later I have said goodbye. It does not haunt me every day like it once did. But often I think of the what if’s. What if I had a 5 year old. What if they were running today in sports day with their sister. What if we had birthday cake when we got home. What if we had a party to plan this weekend.
When you have lost a baby your life is full of what if’s, full of questions unanswered and dreams unfulfilled. I try not to dwell on it, but every now and then I sit down and really remember the little one we lost. A little one so so loved, without ever meeting them or holding them. The most perfect, unconditional love.
Until we meet again sweet baby pea….Mummy loves you forever xxxxx