An open letter to you, my little baby as you are 12 days away from being born...
I'm sitting here writing this at nearly 38 weeks pregnant. Although it's Christmas and a busy time of year, my thoughts are consumed with thoughts of you. You wake me up early in the morning, today you granted me a lie in until 4.30 am. I'm used to it now, although the tiredness is shattering. I read a book and browse social media until it becomes an acceptable time to get up.
I think about you, what you will look like and what the mornings will look like in 2 weeks time. I look over at your crib at my bedside and imagine you laying there. The image is just out of reach though. I wonder if you will be a boy or a girl and what we will call you. I browse baby names on the internet, loving you so completely and wanting you to be a part of our family, yet feeling strangely removed, as I don't really know you yet.
I worry that I have a feeling of impending doom, that everything may not go well. I worry about your movements, and encourage you to kick me. I struggle to move and walk now and all I want is to fast forward time these few days until you are here, hopefully safely, earthside with us. I worry that something will happen to you before you are born and I worry that when you are born you will be healthy, that you will stay with us. I know that it is a mother's worry that will never really go away but it is so unsettling.
You are our last baby, I am sure of that, and it brings me a feeling of content. I don't like being pregnant, and as I look over at your elder brother sleeping beside me this morning I know how fast time flies and that I shouldn't be wishing it away, but I am...I want these 12 days to fly by so I can hold you and meet you and know who you are, I want to start the beginning of the end of this phase of our lives.
I can't wait to buy pink floral babysuits or cute little knitted blue jumpers, I wonder how big you will be and whether you will suit any of the number of names that are swimming around in my head. I hope and pray that you will be ok, and that you know just how much you are loved, even before you are here, while we are still waiting for you.