It's been a tough couple of weeks for many reasons and I'm tired. No scratch that, I'm exhausted. I'm the kind of tired that doesn't want to get out of bed in the morning, that leaves the ironing for another day, that shouts at her husband, that doesn't feel inspired enough to work, that pushes people away.
It's not just one thing, it's everything. I lay in the bath this evening, my mind swimming with thoughts so wild and varied there was no cohesion to them. The thing is, I remember this feeling well, I remember feeling like I want to escape, I remember staring for hours looking out of the window into the night listening to music, searching for answers. I've been here before, on the brink of being totally overwhelmed and not knowing where to turn, wanting to fly away.
I was looking for quotes that explained how I was feeling. (This is something I often do and I find it weirdly therapeutic!) I came across this one...
This quote hit me in the face and really spoke to me (I told you I find it therapeutic). This is exactly how I feel at the moment. I feel like I'm juggling all the balls, taking on all the roles, doing everything and yet not having enough time to spend on each thing. The wife, mother, daughter, content creator, cleaner, cook, writer, we're all tired. Every day I split myself into a thousand pieces and I'm feeling fractured. I'm feeling trapped. I'm not unhappy or depressed but I am feeling really tired and in need of a break, or a change. I'm restless.
If we had the money I'd be on a flight tomorrow, just me and the children, for a little trip away, a battery recharge, a spiritual rest. I'd like to have the peace to be each of these people separately, without the pressures of everyday life. I'd like to spend the mornings sipping coffee while the children play, to go for walks along the beach with no cares in the world, to spend afternoons cuddling and crocheting and spend the evenings sitting under the stars reading a book.
I'd like not to have the world on my shoulders and be carrying that weight for everybody else too. I'd like to focus less on having it all, and focus on enjoying it all. I'd like other people to pull their weight, I'd like not to be the only one to bear the responsibilities. I'd like to be asked out for a drink, to sit in a quiet corner of a pub and really get to know someone new. I'd like to make more meaningful connections, to feel more alive.
I have lots of different roles, I'm split into more than two. I love each and every part, but today they are too much all at once. I'm feeling exhausted and broken and I don't even have any answers for myself. All the women in me are tired, and we need a break.
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